Angst Manifesto

Are actions and behaviors who we are?

Interesting concept. Not exactly sure about this one. To the outer world we have only our actions and behavior to communicate who we are. We have sayings, “actions speak louder than words”, ” don’t judge a book by it’s cover”, “looks can be deceiving”, etc.

So how do you tell the real person standing in front of you?

The cover: We are all different. Looks can be deceiving. So judging someone purely on the way look is probably not the best approach. I think we have all learned this but there is some validity as we as human creatures evaluate based on input, visual being part of that. It is instinctual to assess things around us based on appearance. It is the intellect that over rides this instinctual input. It is also time that plays a part.

Our Actions: He is where things get fuzzy at best. I think given the nature of our world we look for some congruency in those things around us. We look for people to do what they say, say what they mean, and act on it. This is how trust is built. This is how foundations are built. This is how relationships are built; all relationships.

What we do says just as much if not more about who we are than anything else. People not knowing us have only sensory input to go by. Even after they get to know us it is still a huge factor in displaying who we are as individuals. If I greet you everyday and say “Hi”, then slap you in the face, what delivers the bigger message? Is it what I said or what I did? If everyday you hear your mate say “I love you” but that same person denigrates you to friends and family, acts removed and cold, what is the truth?

If your boss says your doing an awesome job once in a blue moon but never gives you a raise or tangible recognition then is the “good job” real? -ok, a stretch on that one since a pat on the back is recognition enough for most on the job. Maybe I am greedy but how long does a pat on the back suffice? Not the best example and off topic.

“A picture is worth a thousand words”. Says a lot about the validity of visual input. Let’s ignore a photograph for a moment and think about what we see. Actions are behavior in motion and they communicate something whether in that instance or over a period of time. How we are perceived will always more often than not be communicated more in action than anything else.

I have been accused for years of being angry when I am not. People always ask. When I am in deep thought I am visibly pensive, maybe a furrowed brow, and to many this communicates anger. I am honestly not even aware of the look on my face because I am in my head somewhere. Anger is probably the last thing in there. I don’t smile when I am intently thinking and I know very few people who do. You get the point.

There are bigger things though. Interpersonal relations require a level of congruency to keep them going. If I had a friend that acted nice to me for a moment and then the rest of the time was a complete ass I would start to question it. If I was lied to repeatedly, even small stuff, but also told things that seemed true but those things were not backed up by action then I would begin to wonder.

Here I should mention the time factor. Interpersonal relationships take time. Things take time. Life takes time. I have been in situations where timimg of events was out of my control but all the other things were congruant and I was still judged wrongly; I’ll talk to filters in a moment. This is where actions, words, etc. begin to add up and build a picture. Considering the “Now” and recent past and present events do all things measure up? This is how we assess things around us. I have heard a million times “Well I say one thing then may go do another” -? My only reaction is Really? Why? Who counts on that? I know we all have moods and flights of fancy but in the end it all has to gel and fall together. I love spontenaity. I love going off and doing something different, but even in disorder there is order. There is a congruancy even in that.

Time. Over time we get to know things, people, places, etc. This is why you don’t immediately judge unless there is something so overwhelming or panging in your gut simple that you can’t ignore it. Here is where our own filters play a part. We also view things and they are filtered through our own perceptions which are built over time. We also judge others based on tacit assumptions we make of ourselves. I’ll use myself as an example. I am a pretty straight shooter. I do what I say pretty reliabley. I am open about myself and things and I don’t say something unless I mean it; ok, unless I am angry, really freaking angry, then I might say some things I don’t mean and I try so hard not to even then. I am in no way perfect and I have popped off and said some stuff I absolutely regret, but I don’t back it up with actions. I am not one to get mad and go off and get drunk and do something stupid. It just isn’t me.  And time would prove this fact. I digress.

The point is, this is how I am and it is an assumption that others I have included in my life are the same way or at least mostly that way. This is why they are in my life. I have seen over time that they are a certain way. I have also worked out all my own crap to see them beyond what my filters say is there. Now this is what interpersonal relationships are all about.

There are levels to this that I wll get into over time but suffice it to say that what you do has a direct bearing of how people perceive you. You can be an awesome con artist and the truth will always come through some how, some way. How you communicate who you are comes in many forms and the easiest and quickest is through external things. It sucks because I know some awesome people that get judged simply by appearance but that is a reality in our society. You can get mad all day long about it but it is a truth. One that I did not like either.

The flip side is that you can look the part but not actually be the part either. Facades are devilish and when action does not meet up with the facade it all comes crumbling down. Putting on a good show and being a good show are two different things. One is easy, one takes a bit of work. The one that takes real work is where the pay off really is in the end. Yes it could be argued that deception takes a lot of work. I would agree but it isn’t real work because there is no lasting pay off. There are only moments of respite. Real work pays and grows and plants seeds again and again.

So plant a seed. Take the time. Live in the now, create your tomorrow, reap the benefits of those choices.

Power. Self Esteem. Self Respect.

I have been thinking a lot about power. Personal power. How it is derived and sought after. How it is directly related to self respect and self esteem.

People seek different kinds of power. It comes in many forms. It is illusory in essence.
Personal power can be built on many things depending on where our self esteem and self respect sit and how developed they are.

Power over others seems to be the main exchange. We all see it in, one upmanship, exploitation, manipulation, etc. Our own sense of self drives these exchanges and they can either be positive or negative depending on several factors which I will get into this time.

Power is illusory. It is not real as we all typicaly know it. The most widely misused and mis-interpreted is personal power. This is derived in many ways. It is up to us to judge how it is gained and maintained. We seek recognition, fame, fortune, etc. all in the name of some personal power we feel we lack. This kind of false power comes at a price, always and we all have to decide what we are willing to pay for it. A peice of your self esteem, self respect, or worse, your soul. What are you willing to pay for something that is false?

The root is self esteem and self respect. Selling these out is worthless and in the end you pay the price because what you have lost will always become aparent. We all make bargains along the way to get some kind of power, be it money, recognition, or stardom in some way. What motivates what we seek is in what we feel we lack. Lack of self esteem and self respect will push all of us to seek or to build in ways that are a house of cards. It never lasts. Never.

Money is a necessity and there are many ways to get it that do not require the sacrifice of self respect or self esteem in anyway. Yeah, I know, sounds crazy but it is there and it is possible. Money is not worth selling your body. Selling your sexuality. Selling yourself in anyway. Art not withstanding. A painting is an object that is created. It carries only a price from the creator as it is a work from them. It is not attached to someones body or self in a direct way.

I am not religious but all religions say the same thing, we are sacred, our bodies are sacred and they deserve treatment accordingly because they house us.

Recognition comes in many forms. It can be from a friend that appreciates the way we are always there. A love that pays back in kind for a close heart in the journey of life. A smile from a child who knows we care for them. It is also in those people who applaud our down fall or our sickness. It is in those that encourage our mis-step, our ruin. Why not?, they get power in doing so. It is those people who exploit our weakness and encourage us to give it all away.

Stardom/Fame. Now this one is hard. We all want to be somebody but it is to whom is the question. I remember back in the old days I was not into good things and I had plenty of people around me who appreciated me at that time. I made a joke about shooting heroin and that there would always be those junkies that are like “Cool man!!, you are so wasted”. Recognition and some sort of king of the losers mentality - awesome, I felt great. I was somebody back then. But to whom is what I started asking myself. Who was I too myself? I didn’t care about me then and it showed in everything I did and everything I created for myself.

We all have to ask ourselves some serious questions about how we get our power and if the cost it is exacting is truly worth what we think the pay off will be.

Real power, lasting power, does not cost anything. It is free to all and it is inside all of us. We have only to open up to it and not be afraid of it. It is in our hearts. It is in our souls. It is the core of who we are and no one can take that away but us. It comes from no one else in anyway. It is ours.

Look at our corporations, fat and sick with false power. Look at our stars, who are we really looking up to as examples? We are all sick and it so shows in everything we create.

Yes we are imperfect humans and it is not about perfection. It is about power.

Real power.

No, it may not get you money but it can give you the impetus to create things or to acquire the right skills, or find a better job when you think you can’t.

Recognition. Absolutely. Positive recognition because you will shine from inside and people will notice. You will excude it and they will feel it and know when you enter a room. They will want to be around you and share in your light. many will run from it and those are the one you should be happy that they do. Light is nothing to be afraid of.

Stardom and Fame. maybe. You might not end up on TV but your friends will always talk about you in good wasy no matter how long they haven’t seen you. Your family will always be proud of you; yes even disfunctional ones but it will probably come out as them hating you for doing do well. Your children or friends children will always appreciate how you were with them in some way. Maybe a kind gesture one day when they needed it, or a hug when they were down. Even a smile when they were troubled and you didn’t even know it.

That is real fame, real stardom.

So look inside and find your real power. It is there, I promise. No matter what has happened to you in your life it is still there waiting to come out. It might take some work but it is there and it is worth it in every way. Honestly, I paid in therapy and some pain. I paid in self examination and honesty. I paid in brutal reality about who I am. So far, those haven’t cost me a single thing in truth. And what I have gained thus far is so much more than I could imagine and I am nowhere near done.

This morning I was thinking about embodiment and what that means exactly. Yeah deep way to start the day, I know.

Well the broader concept of embodiment in essence. I guess this my own spiritual journey but I’ll share as I walk.

What is sacred to us as humans?

We all have things we hold sacred. Some of us hold our bodies as sacred. Our sexuality, our collection of Barbie dolls, something. It is a personal judgement call.

This thing, whatever it may be, is something we cherish and hold dear above all and we do not share it lightly. Only a few get to partake in it along the way and those precious few are passed through our own judgment of worthiness. We all have a criterion of sorts to weed out those worthy and not and I think it is in direct proportion to the value of the thing we cherish and hold value in to begin with.

Now here is the killer, self worth. This is where it all begins. If you value yourself very little than those things become less valued and thus the criterion at which others are evaluated drops as well. Self esteem is a huge buzz word and I think I finally get why. It is the basis for everything. It defines who we are and how we barter our selves along the way. Life is about trades. We trade skills, knowledge, creativity, vision, and other intellectual commodities for money and we get the things to live on.

Usually this is where it ends for most.

Others go way beyond and trade typically sacred things to most. They trade sexuality. They trade their bodies (slavery). They trade their sobriety. They trade their innocence. They can even trade their souls, or at least pieces of it.

We have all heard the term “sell out”. Having persued artistic endeavors I can see where this comes to play as part of creativity stems from the soul. Again we trade based on our judgment. Some things we create add value. A fine art piece bestows some pleasure and appreciation upon the people that experience it and they are willing to trade something of value for it. Ah, the birth of commerce.

Everyone has a line at which that trade stops and you decide what is more important and what will not be traded or shared in that way. I know many artists that do not sell their work because it is not something they are willing to sell as it is part of them and they choose to share only.

Which brings me to the deeper point.

In everything there is a trade of sorts. We all make compromises and give of ourselves in some way in every situation. We all decide to share with others parts of ourselves in given circumstances and it is up to us to make that call. No one is perfect and sometimes you share and give and find out later it was the wrong thing to do. Hopefully you learn the lesson and adjust boundaries accordingly. The huge, gigantic, monumental lynch pin is self esteem. It determines our own lines in the sand of where to stop or what to share and under what circumstances. We can only judge ourselves in the end.

We also have to think about and decide what is really getting recognized and why. The ego can play havoc here because we will always get recognition somehow from someone.

But what is really being recognized and why? I can be a complete ass and there will always be someone out there who appreciates it. Is it really my greatest good? Is it really what I want to be known for or recognized for? Again, personal value assigned to our character, our morals, ourselves.

More on self esteem soon.

Hello all.

I am back. Had to take a much needed haitus.

I have been thinking a lot about some concepts - “living in the NOW” and “living for the moment”

I think these are misunderstood by many and it has taken a while for me to grasp what they really mean. The concept of the NOW is simple, be here, not in the past, or in the future. There is more to it. You have to be present in the now and be creating what you want so that it carries over into tomorrow. Manifesting more of what you want going forward starting right now. Everything we do has consequences, both good or bad. It is a conscious choice we make every moment to manifest good things or bad that will carry forward.

This is where I think people get lost in the “living for the moment” mentality. Sure you can live in the moment without a care in the world about what is going to happen next. The problem is that there will be a next moment, and another one, and so on. This is where choice plays a key part in everything we do. What do you want to create for yourself? I think this has been a huge mis-conception as this typically manifests in the “not giving a phuch about anything and abandoning everything. The problem is this creates nothing or worse it creates a lot of negative consequences that you won’t realize until it is way to late.

I firmly believe we are given free will and the universe, god, or whatever works for you, leads us down a path or steers us in a direction. You are always given free will to make a choice and it is up to you to choose the “right” path. It is always our hope to manifest the highest good for ourselves and others we have effect on.

And there is the other lynch pin. We are connected. All of us. Most of us truly have no idea how interconnected we really are and how much our actions, choices, and manifestations directly and indirectly effect others. The butterfly effect if you will.

This is manifestation. This is creation. We create our reality in those moments, in those nows. And it carries forward. Momentum is built on that now, on that today and it can be positive or negative depending on our choices.

Why is hind sight 20/20? Well, that is usually when you get the whole picture and go “oh crap!” what have I done. Sometimes it is too late, sometimes not. The scary thing is that it is truly up to us.

So manifest your today. Create your NOW. Go for the next right action. It is indeed your choice.